I know what your all going to say……”Really Chrissy aren’t you a bit old for teen drama” Nope, not at all. Everyone with a vagina loves a good love story. Whether it be between two humans, a supernatural and a human,an alien and a human, a fucking planet of the apes gorilla and a human…I think you get my point!
Here’s the gist, a new girl arrives in the school, not super hot, not super cool, and quiet. Of course it doesn’t matter hot a girl or boy is when they are new, if they are the least bit attractive people will drool over them until the new-ness wears off. Naturally the new girl starts crushing on the hottest guy in the school, and dreams to be near him. The guy of course can’t be bothered to give her the time of day, image is EVERYTHING in highschool after all. Not to mention he’s got a big ass secret that he can not share with anyone. psssss he’s a vampire. Turns out she’s one smart cookie and figures him out and they go on to have a rollercoaster relationship. The story would be boring if there was no drama after that.
But that’s not what I want to talk about here…..I want to talk about the fans who are going to see the movie tonight. There are types of people and I’m about to categorize these fuckers. So get a snack and proceed with this blog, it could take a while.
The true fans, you know who you are, I’m one of you. These fans will buy their tickets in advance and wait in line amongst the animals to get a good seat for HOURS (so do the other types but fuck them). They quietly take their seats with their friends (or if they are hardcore enough like I was once, alone, I wouldn’t recommend this its super boring ) turn down their cell phones and quietly wait for the movie to begin. Sure they talk to their friends with their fucking INSIDE VOICES! They don’t get upset when someone else blurts out what happens next because they’ve read all the fucking books already and they dont’ care. They do care however, that you are shouting in the theater!!!
Then we have the semi annoying, the gigglers. the ones who won’t stop laughing at EVERYTHING! Really they don’t shut the fuck up, everything that Edward says is NOT funny so stop giggling. And the ooooo’s and ahhhher’s, is this the first time you’ve seen a chiseled body before. Are you accustomed to watching movies with fatties taking their shirts off…NO you aren’t b/c that is extremely rare in a major motion pictures. It’s not fireworks, its fucking annoying stop!
Next up the chair bumpers. Use the bathroom before you come in, get your snacks before the movie starts, if you have long legs sit upright, and keep your fucking nasty ass feet off the top of my seat the row ahead of you. Did your parents NOT teach you manners?! Or would you like my fist in your face? Why would anyone think it’s okay to put their feet on the top of my seat while I’m sitting there? I mean that’s the most inconsiderate thing I think can happen while at the movies. I really want to know WHY would you do that?!
Mom’s, hey I’m one too and guess what….they are fucking home! and when they were newborns I found a fucking sitter. Keep your crying brat at home asshole I’m trying to absorb this movie! Not to mention it’s fucking cold in there, do you care about the well being of your child? Probably not or you wouldn’t be RUINING my movie for me.
Teenagers…….Number one it’s a fucking school night why are you at the movies at midnight on a school night. Do you parents know you’re out? DO they fucking care that you’re the rudest fucking kid in the world who won’t shut the fuck up! Stop screaming asshole, you act like this is your first time out of the house….what the hell is wrong with you. leave my theater bitch you didn’t pay for you ticket anyhow your mommy did, and if she’s there with you she’s a douche rocket for allowing you to leave your cage, animal!
And finally…..cell phone users. Now I’m all for texting throughout the movie. hell I’m going to be doing it throughout the night with my twin, do us all a favor though. TURN OFF YOUR VOLUME, never answer the phone while the movie is on or starting. EVEN during the previews, I enjoy the fucking previews if you don’t leave and come back when the movie starts….no one is going to miss you, trust me. And no one gives a rats ass what you are talking about on your phone, or what funny text you received from your loser friends. so some fucking respect.
So now that we’ve discussed the douchery that goes on during opening nights lets all enjoy the fucking show and respect your fellow humans and let them get their monies worth!
good day to you!